Sun's So Hot I Froze To Death
by Helkh
Summary: Haldir and his brothers are sent from Lorien to clear the ways for the Fellowship (if it ever gets around to leaving). Haldir must battle his own evil tendencies, his brothers and the Spawn of Elrond. And, just perhaps, a Balrog.
1. One: The World Hates Haldir

**Sun's So Hot I Froze To Death**  
In Which Haldir Discovers The World Hates Him  
_Chapter One_

  
  
**Year 3015..**

Filthy Lord with his filthy Council. I suppose they think my plight is funny.

Went this morning to a Very Dire Council on Celeborn's request. For some reason they were all huddled as I strode majestically through the door, but they soon ceased this. Very finicky and boring, up until the point when they started talking about me. More importantly, what they intended to do with me. In fact, they mean to send me off on an adventure, which isn't all that terrible actually, but for the fact I'm stuck for weeks with my brothers. That means many horrible things.

Like nightly watches, close bedrolls and frightened siblings who will doubtlessly fall on me in a faint as soon as they see something remotely 'killer'. Unfortunately for the stupid milksops, they won't even see my dagger coming.

I highly doubt they'll even get to see the Balrog we're supposed to find. Hopefully my evil cackling doesn't get the best of me at precisely the wrong moment.

Like it did in the Council. Perhaps my Lord has convinced the other members I'm not completely mad. Perhaps not. I was kind of twitching there.

Damn my wicked tendencies. Damn them all the way to the Void.

Maybe then I could discover whether what they say about Melkor is really true.

And really, my race is far too stupidly superstitious. This scroll hasn't burst to flame merely because I wrote the name of Evil upon it. Mind you, it probably will if I write my own, so perhaps True Evil will remain unnamed. Just a twinkle of that supposed 'Elven Intuition'.

And the beautiful torch sitting right there.

I think I'll just go find Orophin and see if he likes fire as much as I do.

  
**Later:**

Sweet, sweet fire. Rumil walked in on us, and soon was burning with curiosity. Literally.

I'm so evil I'm turning myself on.

  
**Year 3015..**

Berated by Celeborn for my 'behaviour' and 'treatment' of my 'loving siblings'.

Pah. They wish.

I'm not entirely certain the whip was really necessary, but I can't quite question my Lord honestly. Maybe I should. He might do that again.

Caught Orophin groping me in my sleep.

Promptly beat him senseless, but at least I now know just how little sleep I will be getting on this trip. I will not allow them to do things like that to me. It's utterly wrong. Because, you know, murdering people in their sleep is very right. Especially if they're my brothers.

  
**Eternal Night Of Hell One**

Rolled Rumil and Orophin off their talan as a beginning to our trip this morning. Mind you, they were tightly bound with rope and kicked off a hundred foot drop, but they were soon awake.

So really, no one can tell me what I did was wrong. It was exactly what I intended to do in the first place.

Galadriel didn't believe me. But she doesn't understand how fun it was to set them on fire first.

After getting the next nine hundred years' worth of pay taken away from me to pay for their healing, we finally set out. About fifty feet out of the border of Lorien, Rumil fell down in a faint.

He saw a bloody rabbit. So I burned it.

He hasn't spoken to me since.

I suppose it was one of his 'it's so cute' faints, not the 'my intestines are on the ground from this evil Orc' faint. It's just so hard to tell.

  
**Later:**

How was I supposed to know Orophin wanted me to light the wood on fire, not his leg? He just said 'fire', so what did he expect me to do? Be rational? Who needs campfires when we have nice Elf meat?

I do suppose that's a bit cannabalistic of me.

I wonder if Celeborn merely sent me along so I can kill them both and save him the political discomfort of slaughtering two of his wardens.. That must be it. Or maybe he sent them along so if times get tough, I can just kill and eat them.

No sign of any Balrogs, although I suspect the thing is in the bowels of the earth, not picking daisies as Rumil seems to think.

I can only hope I survive this trip. I'm not worried that a fiery black monster will eat me, so much as fearing my siblings' stupidity will destroy my will to live.


	2. Two: Pain Is Haldir's Friend

**Sun's So Hot I Froze To Death**  
In Which Haldir Finds Pain To Be His Friend  
_Chapter Two_

  
  
**Eternal Night of Hell Two**

So there I am, minding my own business, setting fire to helpless squirrels, and Rumil attacks me! He called me cruel and sick. How is this possible? I thought he was supposed to be all loving-like.

I must be getting the short end of this stick.

Even Orophin's been looking at me strangely, although that may be because he's even deeper in love with me than usual. Not that I really blame him.

But that damned Rumil! Just when I was going to eat the thing, too.

Maybe I should eat him.

Hee.

  
**Eternal Night of Hell Three**

We've been at the entrance of Moria for a day and a half now, making many excuses why we can't go in quite yet. Like the fact it was snowing. Up the mountain quite a ways, but it was snowing.

I think my brothers may fear for their lives. But it's just a large, God-like beast of darkness and fire. Nothing to fear.

Which is why I can't go in quite yet.

My boots need polish.

  
**Eternal Night of Hell Four**

Hopefully I will remember to kill Elrond because of his children. See, I can't exactly kill them. Their utter stupidity is like an invincible shield about them, protecting them from fire, daggers, and hastily swung halberds. So if I kill the source of the problem, maybe both of them will perish.

So, yes. We met those two earlier today, and discovered that they were there for the same reason we are: patrol and kill things that live.

I wish they'd kill each other.

Can you imagine that Elladan set fire to Rumil? What a terrible thing to do.

  
**Eternal Night of Hell Five**

I think everyone is plotting something against me, as they huddle in dark corners and whisper. Moria is rather lightless, so they tend to do this much of the time. In retaliation, I stabbed Elrohir. He didn't think it was very amusing.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to use that leg again. I really like my hamstrings inside of me.

  
**Eternal Night of Hell Six**

I've been rolling around bleeding a bit for a while now, quite alone. Elvish healing abilities really aren't what they used to be.

I'm still alive, so that's something.

Now, if only the pounding drums shaking the stone from afar would stop. Really, a man needs healing time.

Or rolling around and moaning time.

At any rate, the clash of steel is getting closer. And the drums.

The bloody drums. What is this? A bloody festival devoted solely to pounding hard objects in damp holes in the earth?

  
**Eternal Night of Hell Seven**

Those traitorous gits came crashing into my Agony Hole and slammed and barred the doors. They then proceeded to slide down the doors and begin dribbling blood on the ground. They didn't seem to be able to talk, so I set fire to Rumil to check for signs of life. It's a ritual in Lorien.

He's still got some sort of pulse. He did sort of flail and scream a bit.

He's not moving anymore.

And Elrohir is giving me that evil stare again.

So here I am, still in pain, barred in a room with these idiots for Eru knows how long and against some foe I'm sure could kill us with a thought, so WHY THE HELL ARE WE STILL HERE?

Why are we here and not running for our lives?

I need to burn more things.

Urges to kill are being smothered under younger twin's wicked glare. Hm. I might be getting a little turned on by this.

I suspect older twin would do more than hamstring me if I were to even think that about his brother.

Well, too late.

Wow. Is that even possible?

  
**Night of Eternal Hell Eight**

Reduced to playing Hanged Dwarf on the floor. Drums still haven't ceased and there seem to be legions of Orcs swarming right outside the door. They haven't gotten in yet.

I like that.

Elrohir stabbed me a few times today on account of 'slipping' while 'taking inventory' on his 'weapons'.

That wasn't a bloody knife, that was a Dragon tooth.

The agony. I'll never be able to get out of here at this rate. What the hell is his problem? Just because I stabbed him and set his brother on fire..

And what is his obsession with my thighs, anyway? Not that it'll matter soon, since he's just going to leave me here to bleed to death, anyway.

I wonder if the Orcs would mind if I burned them?


End file.
